Tag: what I’m grateful for

Why we left behind our quarter acre dream

While most people tend to outgrow their houses when they add to the tribe, our family of five has just downsized! We have left behind a quarter acre land with chickens, bees, fruit trees, berry bushes, veggie garden, outdoor kitchen area and plenty of (neglected) grass and sheds, and large 1920s bungalow. Instead we have downsized to a section half the size and a nice tidy little house across town (that’s five minutes away, for you city folk!)

While leaving behind a lifestyle that enabled us to supply our own eggs, honey, fruit and veggies was a little sad, while we were there we were left with little time to focus on the things we love most. Our house was enormous but cold, drafty and old. we spent a lot of time sorting fire wood to heat the place and it took ages to clean and tidy even after we decluttered nearly half our possessions. I am often home alone with the kids, for sometimes weeks at a time with little notice, I just didn’t have time to upkeep such a big section, all the pets, and the house, let alone keep the kids alive and make sure they have allergy friendly food made for each meal. It was really stressful trying to juggle everything.

Our new house still has enough backyard for the kids and dog to play, for a small veggie garden and a green house (and maybe a couple chooks if I can convince Chef Dad 😆). The neighbors behind us have land with fejoa trees along our whole fence line 🙌. Our house is warm and dry and easy to heat and set out so i can watch the kids play outside while I’m in the kitchen. Really hoping less space means less maintenance and upkeep and therefore more time to do the things that we love. Which for me is blogging, cooking and writing! And of course spending time with the kids without having to worry about the wall that needs painting and the fence that’s going to fall down.

In our case, bigger isn’t always better. Sometimes it might sound like someone is living the dream, but you just don’t know, behind the scenes what sort of stress is being created to upkeep that life. It was a huge decision to admit that we were in too deep, and there was blood sweat and tears involved in the buying, selling and moving process. In fact I think I’m still in fight or flight, but Just in this short week post move, I’m realising how much of a valuable decision we have made. So here’s to onwards and upwards, moving on to bigger (but actually smaller) and better things, and hopefully more free time to do the things that matter to us most.

Kayla

Allergies, Trauma and baked beans

When I was in my second year at university someone brought us this huge tin of baked beans. It was beyond massive, 3kg or something of baked beans in this colossal tin. It was so big no one wanted to open it. It had so many baked beans in it, once the tin was open, no one knew what we would do with them, how we would eat them, or how we would organise and store them. So the tin sat unopened in the cupboard of our grubby Wellington flat. It was carefully tucked away and it didn’t bother anyone, sitting nicely in storage for the duration of the year.

Recently I thought back to this tin of baked beans, and to what might have happened if we decided to open the tin. Now, after some recent events, I think I might know how that may have unfolded.

As many parents of children with allergies will agree, that this diagnosis comes with some degree of trauma. Whether this is a traumatic flash back to a horrible allergic reaction – witnessing instant hives & swelling take over your child’s body or face, vomiting repeatedly until limp and lethargic, a trip to the hospital while breaking the speed limit, or worse yet in an ambulance or helicopter! Or sometimes it’s a flashback to moments in time – weeks of rubbing creams on inflamed, red itchy skin and soothing a child who lives constantly in pain, on the inside, or outside. While we are living in these moments our bodies go into fight or flight, we just want to get through each minute, or each day.

But when the dust settles down, what do we do? Some of us breakdown, worn thin by the event we finally crumble and find an outlet for the shock, worry, anxiety and trauma. Some express their worry, or grief in the only ways they know how. Some feel gratitude and relief.

But what happens when you live in a state of angst and worry for weeks, or months, or years? As many parents of allergy sufferers do, because often, advocating for these kids isn’t a one time event. Some probably find a regular outlet, a safe person or group to express or share, family to fall on. Some might seek professional help, counselling. Some might delve into self care to negate all the time and energy spent on traumatic events. And some, cant face up to those emotions right now, so they take their experiences, cram them into the worlds biggest can of baked beans and pop them away in the back of the cupboard.

Except there’s one problem. As I mentioned earlier, when when the neglected tin is suddenly discovered, sometime later, no one wants to open the baked bean monstrosity, because if you open such a big tin all at one time you are going to need a fuck load of friends to share it with! And in this day and age we just don’t seem to have ten mates turn up, all on the same day, ready to help us eat a massive portion of baked beans, even if they don’t like them, or weren’t prepared for them before they arrived.

I ‘spose you can probably guess how I dealt with the years of food allergy angst we experienced with Felix. Except the crazy thing is, I didn’t even realise that I tucked those feeling up for safe keeping, because when I popped them away, I replaced them with gratitude, greatfulness and happiness that our journey was making so many positive leaps. I had tucked the tin of baked beans so far back that there was heaps of room in front so I filled the space close to the door with everything great about life, despite all our struggles. And then, there was no place for grief, anxiety or sadness, they made the cupboard messy so they got pushed to the back. (Can anyone else’s linen cupboard relate to this!?) Ive noticed that, as humans, we have come to quite like the look of order and organisation and not so much a big pile of mess out for days or weeks, while we make spaces and sort it back into its places properly.

So, at some point all the well organised feelings at the front of the cupboard are all being used, usually during big changes or life events. Kind of like when you have a new baby. You might find the linen cupboard bare at times as you find time to adjust to life and catch up on all the washing. You also might find your emotional cupboard a little scarce as you pour everything you have into late nights, little sleep, and caring for a little being 24 hours around the clock. In fact, this year when we had our third baby, the cupboard got pretty bare and the old, somewhat rusty can of baked beans sat exposed, naked and glaring out.

At some point, each of us will experience a repeat of some of the events and feelings tucked away in the baked beans can. For me, it was a replay of baby rashes and eczema after something I’d eaten. Even though it was no where near as severe as with Felix it felt like ripping a plaster off an old wound that just won’t heal. When you haven’t properly put the past away, you spiral straight back into the feelings of distress and fear, of hopelessness and knowing the journey that we have to travel all over again. The feelings are tripled, and compounded, even though you are now equipped with experience and knowledge. It doesn’t feel very helpful because there is a huge mess you made two years ago piled underneath all the linen that fell out of the cupboard just now.

While I was very tempted to leave it be, I decided it’s time to open the (metaphorical) can of baked beans. I don’t even like baked beans, not to mention some of them aren’t even gluten free! Anyway they spilled out all over the floor, like everywhere, overflowed and made a huge mess that I wasn’t really prepared for. Each bean is smothered in bitter memories and unpleasant emotions that got sealed up inside and here I am amongst the huge mess trying to find a way to tidy it up. Some days I make a good dent and manage to file away some of the mess nicely and other days the tin tips over and makes a bigger mess than there was before.

The lesson here is, when they are happening (or soon after) feel all the feels. ALL the the feelings, even the real shit ones. Don’t be a Harry the Hero and soldier on. I should have let myself break down and ugly cry, and taken more time to acknowledge that yes, while I was grateful things weren’t worse, they were actually pretty shit. And that’s ok, because life is a bit shit sometimes. If it was good all the time then that would be boring and we probably wouldn’t learn any deep lessons or gain better morals and values. I was so busy trying to live life like an inspirational quote, I forgot to realise that it’s ok to be sad about all this.

I just know that there must be others out there, other parents who have experienced a traumatic situation, which may or may not have been to do with their children’s allergies, that have probably done what I’ve done and shoved their feelings in a great big tin. Perhaps you are yet to discover them, perhaps you have and you totally understand where I’m coming from right now (I’d love to hear how you tidied up the mess?) or maybe you are in the middle of the discovery of stale old feelings and ripping plasters from open wounds. Or perhaps you are in the eye of the storm, and I might have just prevented you from dealing with these feelings in three years time, instead of embracing them, right now.

Wherever you’re at, or however you relate just know that you are not alone. It’s ok, ideal even, to feel sad, grief, ripped off, exposed, traumatised. It’s ok to not be strong – sometimes being strong is allowing yourself to hurt and feel pain. And then to seek out support, or let others give you hand to get back up. Be kind to yourself while you sort your feelings out and take time to sort through them and file them away in the best place you can manage. Before continuing on your kick ass way. Now, if you excuse me, I’m off to follow my own advice.

**If you are like me and writing provides a good outlet for expressing and organising your feelings, I’d love to hear your story. I’m thinking of opening a page on my blog, a place for you to share your story to help and inspire others, and let them know that there is hope on the other side.

Kayla

Why i’m so grateful for having kids with food allergies

It did take me about 4 years to realise it. But having kids with food allergies is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

They say every person that comes into your life does so for a reason. My boys have taught me more in these 5 short years than I learned in my entire life time. They have taught me love and dedication like I never thought possible. They have taught me compassion and empathy.
They have taught me gratitude and mindfulness. They have shown me I am a powerful force to be reckoned with, fierce with strength, courage, determination and passion. They have taught me patience and persistence. I thought I had it all figured out, but they have changed me in ways I never imagined. They have taught me that perfection is just a word, not something to strive for. That there is beauty, peace and love in every day, and it is our job to find this, be it within our environment, or ourselves. I have learned that the universe doesn’t owe us anything and being happy is our responsibility.

I spent a long time after the birth of Ashton, trying to find myself again, I searched in all sorts of places and I realised later that I would never find what I was looking for. Having a child changes you, but having a child with extra challenges also changes you.

I had this beautiful premonition as I set up the baby’s room, 8 months pregnant, of what life will look like. I would will feed the baby calmly and quietly to sleep in the rocking chair. I would go for picturesque sunset walks along the beach with the baby and the dog. Life will be hard and I will be tired but being a parent will be so rewarding. Fast forward two months, I am taking the baby for a walk but it’s 9am and he has been screaming for 6 hours straight, he has done nothing but scream for the last week. He is covered in rashes and vomits up all his feeds. I’m pretty sure the dog hasn’t been fed in two days and i’m not sure when I last had a shower. I’m very seriously considering which house to drop the baby off at (like actually, this was a legit plan, my mum had to come and rescue him!) I haven’t slept in 10 days. Unfortunately it didn’t get much better for about 6 months! At which point the doctors said that I was only partially crazy, and Ashton actually had food allergies. Parenting was not rewarding. I was all “why me, why us, why him”, “what did we do to deserve this?” Everything was always about poor Ashton and how he couldn’t have this or that. There was a lot of moping around about how we missed out on the first year of his life because I couldn’t get a doctor to diagnose his allergies sooner. He was on all sorts of medications for reflux and stomach issues and it was all quite a sad state of affairs.

The days were long but the years were short, the fog of depression lifted and as I slowly gained more knowledge I began to realise that we were not helpless onlookers to some video game. We had the controls, and we could control the present and the future. We could control our actions, but most importantly our thoughts and feelings. This is what was missing, I fought for Ashton from the day he was born, everyday I was doing things to try and better our situation. But I wasn’t happy about the hand we had been dealt.

When Felix was born we were dealt a similar hand, but a change in thinking can really change your life. Felix also did nothing but scream for the first 8 weeks of his life, I got 4 blocks of 45 minute sleep a night – by the time I had pumped breastmilk for him, cleaned the equipment, breastfed and bottle fed him, then got him back to sleep. I’d then get up and look after 2 kids for the day. Tired and weary I would say things like ‘it won’t always be like this’ and ‘at least he doesn’t vomit all the time’, ‘he’s so cute when he sleeps’, ‘ these days will pass quickly’, and ‘how lucky are we to have two boys’. I never wanted to put him back and I certainly could not fathom dropping him off on someone’s doorstep! This kid has taught me resilience like no other. I could have given up the feeding routine, we could have put him on a bunch of medication, we could have loathed the countless hours we spent walking his screaming body up and down the dark hallway. While I wouldn’t volunteer to go back to that time (or for round 3!), i’m glad that it happened to us. It has made me appreciate every minute that a baby is asleep and without pain, every second that our children spend happy and content and every day that they are alive and well, because sadly, some people are not so lucky.

Having kids with food allergies has taught me empathy and compassion. During the 10 months I breastfed Felix, 9 of those months I lived off 10 foods (sometimes less and that was counting salt and pepper!) It taught me empathy for these kids of ours who can’t have a piece of birthday cake, who sit and watch their classmates eat christmas chocolates, or watch everyone eat cheese and crackers at the family lunch. That was me, for nearly a year I got to be that kid. And at times it sucked. There is no feeling quite like it. Knowing this, I make sure the boys don’t miss out on anything. They always have homemade safe versions of most things, and I usually one up them by making it healthier. It has given me the opportunity to explain to them, that though they can’t have what everyone else has got, they don’t want it, because for the most part it’s full of processed ingredients that are going to make them feel like crap. It has given me the understanding and self control to model the behavior by avoiding the foods alongside them. I also took on the mindset of, instead of us missing out, everyone else was really missing out on the opportunity to put real, nourishing food into their bodies. Today I appreciate food more than ever, I don’t want the cake and that’s my choice. What I’ve learned from having such a limited diet has changed all our eating habits for the better and made me realise what it feels like to be truly healthy, happy and energized, and I am so grateful for that!

This experience has taught me that there are some truly wonderful, kind and just generally kickass-amazing human beings out there. Some of these people were complete strangers and they have given me advice and knowledge that has changed the course of our life. Some helped us see specialists for Felix and one lady gave me personal advice on how to pursue a total elimination diet, which was the start to us ending Felix’s pain and suffering. From that, we have never looked back. I am so glad I have met some of these people and experienced how kind and caring our human race can really be. I endeavor to pay this forward whenever I can, to be that kind human being that reached out to help another fellow mum in need.

When I am up late preparing safe snacks for the boys to take to a birthday party, I am grateful. I am grateful they are not filling their bodies with junk. I am grateful they are learning about what they can and can’t eat and how to manage their allergies responsibly. I am grateful that I love to cook and can use this opportunity to do so. I am grateful that we are aware of how different foods can affect our bodies and can make healthy choices based on this. I am grateful we are not filling our bodies with chemicals, fake foods, colours or preservatives.

When I open the fridge to get ‘starving Felix’ a snack and there is nothing right there, he can eat, I am grateful. I am grateful that the kid who was once fed through a tube down his nose is asking for food. I am grateful that I can find any fruit or vegetable and prepare this for him to eat, 5 months ago he could only eat 4 foods. I’m so grateful for that. I am grateful that though I often have to spend time preparing him something, rather than grab it off a shelf, I am teaching him patience, as he watches me find something and helps me cook it. Don’t be fooled there is often squealing involved and it ends in pots and pans pulled out all over the kitchen floor! But that’s ok because he has also taught me that perfect isn’t having organised cupboards or clean floors. Perfect is that moment right now, because life is happening and we are all OK.

I have learned that we all have problems and challenges. Sitting next to my child, limp and lethargic in the emergency room after he has vomited until he is passed out because of something he ate, is not much fun. But neither is sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, waiting to have your child’s 5th ear infection that month, diagnosed. Neither is dealing with major scream-cry-and-throw-shit temper tantrums all day. Nor is getting up every.single.hour overnight to an unsettled baby. I am no more super than the rest of you. You can have your unsettled baby and your ear infections, and i’ll have my children with food allergies, because that’s what I do best.

So last year I found something, I discovered this resourceful, passionate, driven, strong, truly blessed woman. She wasn’t quite what I had been looking for, she was better. I have food allergies to thank for that. The experience has helped shape me into the person I am today and this, I am so grateful for.

 

Kayla